Watching Chelsea

I am an avid chelsea lately viewer and I thought since I love Bob and Chelsea. I should give her a mini tribute to her. Here are some quotes by Chelsea. I thought I was out spoken, but she has taken the cake on this....

"There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers."


"At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer."


"Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home."
 
"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."


"My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house."


"I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I saw staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture. At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He’s probably like, “When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?”
 
"I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people."
 
"I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends."


"A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads."

"A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?"
"According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don’t get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it’s from your priest; in public school, you learn from your teacher; and some guys learn from their sisters…if their sister is Angelina Jolie."

"According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan’s next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He’s a convicted drug dealer who’s been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot."

"According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He’s going from bar to bar picking up women—how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?"

"According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious—Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt."

"Amy Winehouse’s mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she’s worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy—she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine."

"An L.A. County Superior Court judge issued an order today taking custody of Britney’s two children away from her. K-Fed was surprised when Larry Birkhead swooped in at the last moment and grabbed them for himself."

"Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father."

"Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who’d gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George’s house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield’s island for a ‘radio opportunity."
"Britney Spears’ album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we’re at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit."

"Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out—why not just wait until you’re crowning?"

"David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere—his car drove itself."

"Drew Carey was the guest on Ellen’s breakdown show. You know, the next night, when he was hosting The Price Is Right, he ended his show with ‘Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets, and for God’s sake don’t ever take one away from Ellen!"
"For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony’s baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I’m afraid it’s going to look like Marc Anthony…"
"George Clooney and Fabio apparently got into a scuffle at a restaurant in Los Angeles over the weekend. George thought the women with Fabio were taking pictures of him. How embarrassed is George Clooney to be in a fight with Fabio? Who is he going to call out next, Lorenzo Lamas?"
"Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba."
"Hulk Hogan’s wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon."
 
"I don’t know what’s going on with Britney. I think by now she’s her own species. We need to catch her, tag her and send her back out into her natural habitat—Starbucks—so we can observe her and learn more about her."

"I have more respect for somebody who's like, "Yeah I like to party, so screw off," then for Tara (Reid), who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway - not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later."

"I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it’s because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life."

"I watched the American Music Awards last night. Beyoncé lost in all three of her categories, but she did win a special award—which was our way of saying we still love you but we need to see other people."

"I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around."

"I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me."

"In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn’t have a boyfriend. She said, ‘I’m keeping my options open.’ And by options, she meant legs."